We've all been there. One morning you wake up, roll over in your warm, fluffy bed and gaze into the loving eyes of your lifelong partner. The certainty that you have found your soul mate strikes deep into your heart.
Such a wonderful, illuminating relationship cannot stand. With a supportive, loving partner, you are at a high risk of achieving happiness. We can't have that, can we?
Over the last 20 years, I have performed intensive research on destroying romantic relationships. I am pleased to report that I've been able to develop highly effective techniques that are the envy of cheating wives and dysfunctional husbands everywhere. All of my exes have posted naked pictures of me on the Internet with devil's horns superimposed on my head. Moreover, I have restraining orders against me in approximately 23 states (4 are still pending).
1. Keep Score
Problem: Every time that you or your partner make a mistake, the other partner says, "Oh honey, it's all right! Let's just fix the problem." After the mistake is resolved, you both cuddle in a meadow full of dandelions and fluffy bunnies.
Solution: An easy way to remind you both about your hatred of your partner is to keep a close account of all of your partner's transgressions and foibles. Whenever your partner commits an unforgivable sin, such as spilling tea o the carpet or scratching their balls, notice and comment on it. If a partner commits enough crimes against humanity, you should feel justified in having unprotected sex with 100 strangers.
Pro Tip: To further improve your technique, create a large chart in your living room that tabulates all of your partner's deficiencies. When your partner succumbs to the evil within, scream "Ten points from Syltherin!" and march to the chart and fine her 100 points for burping.
2. Try to Change Your Partner
Problem: Your heart fills with ecstasy every time that you see your partner. They are the person that you always dreamed of being with, and more. To maximize your happiness, you've set your partner's face as your computer's screensaver so you can gaze at hem 24/7.
Solution: Examine your partner's personality, appearance, and intelligence…and decide that you prefer the complete opposite. Ask your brunette boyfriend to bleach his hair platinum blond. Not-so-gently suggest that your physics major girlfriend switch to home economics. Muse on how much better your life would be if your significant other was actually Angelina Jolie.
Pro Tip: Sometimes, mere suggestions aren't enough. You will find yourself in the position of needing more force behind your words. Schedule appointments with plastic surgeons. Forge your lover's signature and submit paperwork for a name change. A master of this technique may be able to convince their significant other to undergo a gender change.
3. Use Hinting as a Valid Form of Communication
Problem: Whenever an emotion pops up, be it happiness or anger, you tell your partner in measured and reasonable tone how you feel. Your partner responds respectfully and you two reach an agreement where you both feel affirmed and fulfilled.
Solution: They say that nonverbal communication is the most effective form of communication. That only applies to ants and cats. Shroud all of your opinions and desires in an air of mystery and intrigue. If you want the salt, just look at it longingly from afar without speaking a word. Another trick is to involve your friends by telling them that you want socks for your birthday and hope that your friend will let it slip to your lover.
Pro Tip: To become an advanced player, remain silent and motionless whenever you are around your partner. Think, "I want you to pick up your socks," in their general direction. When your sweetling fails to pick up their socks, throw a hissy fit about it.
4. Be Completely Honest
Problem: After understanding your partner in and out, you know what topics are safe and unsafe to broach. You tastefully avoid the partner's irrational phobia of the word, "Marshmallow." Moreover, knowing that your partner's self-consciousness about their crooked pinky finger, you don't mention it. Both of you smile, assured of one another's love.
Solution: This technique is the inverse of the previous one, but it is equally effective. Think of your communication with your partner as a stream of consciousness type of thing…kind of like Ulysses. Whenever your partner is wrong, tell them exactly and in detail why they are wrong, wrong, and wronger. A mention that your partner was a colossal bitch to her coworker wouldn't be amiss at all. (Well, she was.) This technique is most effective if you focus on your partner's mistakes…and pounce the minute they make them.
Pro Tip: Keep a diary about every thought you've had of your partner's flaws and email your list to them every day. The hard, cold truth of their failings as a human being, partner, employee, parent, and friend will shatter their self-esteem and any shred of trust between you two.
5. Sabotage Your Partner's Dream
Problem: You both provide steadfast encouragement and support for each other's dreams. It is your very presence and encouragement that gets your partner through the dips and valleys of their life.
Solution: It is important to fully understand the parameters of your partner's dreams to effectively undermine and shatter their aspirations and goals. If your partner dreams of being a dancer, break their legs. If your partner wants to learn chess, steal their chess sets and tell them that the dog ate it.
Pro Tip: Fighting your partner's actual dreams is level-one combat technique. If you want to get to the root of the problem, attack their self-esteem instead. Tell them they are too stupid, ugly, and slow to achieve anything more than spewing carbon dioxide into the atmosphere and contributing to global warming.
6. Escalate Minor Disagreements into WWIII
Problem: Whenever a problem or argument arises, you both focus on the problem until a resolution has been reached. After the resolution, you both ride off into the sunset, holding hands and giggling madly.
Solution: Arguments and problems are great opportunities to introduce collateral complaints. When your partner leaves the milk out, mention that their oral sex skills is as arousing as gnawing on old gum. Better yet, when your partner tells you that the trash can is overflowing and it's your turn to take it out, retort with "Oh yeah, bitch? Well, you have bad breath and I slept with your boss." If you're lucky, you can provoke your partner into emotional warfare that will lead to you both being arrested for domestic violence.
Pro Tip: This technique can be used in conjunction with #1 and #2. Every time your partner screws up, point at their tabulated flaws and say, "By the way, I hate how large your teeth are. I made an appointment for you at the dentist."
© 2013 Cristina Hartmann, destroying relationships since 1984
Post by Cristina Hartmann:
6 Effective Techniques for Undermining Your Romantic Relationships